Review - Star Wars: The Clone Wars

I need to start out this review with a disclaimer. I didn’t think “Star Wars Episodes 1-3″ were that bad. They weren’t on the same level as the originals but they were entertaining, and isn’t that all we want in a movie anyway? I know it’s become fashionable to hate Lucas and Star Wars ever since Episode 1 came out, but I am not one of those people. That being said…

The Clone Wars is one of the worst movies I’ve ever seen.

Had this movie been released straight to DVD I could forgive some of its shortcomings, but when you put a movie in theaters there are certain expectations. Here is why I think it should have been released on DVD:

1. George Lucas didn’t write or direct it. You may think that’s a good thing but surprise! There are worse writers than George Lucas and one was hired for this movie. Look at his credits. They are all single episodes of kids cartoons.
2. John Williams didn’t do the score, which had little of the original themes.
3. None of the original cast returned except for Samuel L Jackson, Anthony Daniels and Christopher Lee. The first of those two were barely in the movie at all. They couldn’t even get Frank Oz for Yoda?
4. The movie didn’t start out with the usual Star Wars text scroll, instead it was replaced with a voiceover from a World War II propaganda film.
5. The action scenes weren’t even that amazing. You would think with using CG as the medium you would be able to do anything you want but the battles were less interesting than the last 3 movies or the far better Clone Wars TV cartoon.

“Star Wars: The Clone Wars” has little to do with the wars themselves, but apparently the title “Star Wars: Anakin and a Little Girl Save a Baby” was too long for a marquee. The movie starts out with some battle sequences and introduces a kidnapping plot. Every line in the movie is a contest between the characters to see who can out-cliche the other one. I’m pretty sure the writing method involved setting up a tape recorder next to an eight year old playing with his toys while the writer goes to the bank to cash his fat movie check. At one point I wanted the characters to just stop talking and hit robots with lightsabers in silence.

The movie moves along at a steady cruising speed, thankfully not slowing down to explore Anakin’s journey to the dark side or his relationship to Obi-Wan. So it’s terrible but at least it’s fast and terrible. However, at the 3/4ths mark that movie starts yaking on it’s cell phone and that cruising speed goes to three car pile up on I-270 as onlookers gaze in disgust. It is at this point that Jabba the Hutt’s gay uncle comes onto the screen. With a purple hue and the voice of Truman Capote, Ziro the Hutt is so offensive he makes Jar Jar Binks look like Martin Luther King Jr.. Ziro’s not just offensive to homosexuals, he’s also offensive to Star Wars fans, fans of movies in general, conchologists, and people who enjoy not dying inside. While Ziro is on screen I can relate to one of Jabba’s goons that fell into the sarlacc pit in Return of the Jedi. I too have found a new definition of pain and suffering as I am slowly digested over the course of a thousand years.

The bottom line is this movie should have never been released in theaters. I feel like Lucasfilm is the prince of Nigeria and I got scammed out of $7. I can’t even recommend buying or renting the DVD when it comes out because that would be supporting what they are doing and helping them fund “Clone Wars II: ZIro’s Big Gay Revenge”. This is the first time I’m ever going to openly advocate pirating a movie. You need to see this movie to see how terrible it is, just don’t give any money to Lucasfilm. Originally I was going to recommend the DVD if you have young children but I can’t even do that with good conscience. I will end this review on this note:

Showing this movie to a small child will make them not like Star Wars anymore.